Desire to fly!

I opened my almirah, looking for an old diary..
nothing on my mind,except that, i was looking for the diary..
the first thing flashing before my eyes, was and old, dull, carton of crayons..
and then...

it all came rushing back..the memories of my childhood..

Soon after, i was sitting on a chair, going through the almirah..
drawing books..colours all out of line :-p
pencils..all kinds...seems like i collected the variety of them..including the "shaka laka boom boom" version :-p
an old letter..from a childhood sweetheart.. :)
and a little airplane..my father gifted me..seeing which i decided to fly...to search for my wings..to reach a height from where everything will be so little  .. :)

and then i looked up...on my wall..where there was a frame..of my award..and i thought..have i reached their yet??

then, i found myself wondering..will i ever reach there??
Two more years, and then i will have responsibilities..of family..of self...
when will i fly???how will i fly??

So less time..and so much to do...
i need to find my wings..i need to fly :) :)

A promise!

"I will come back, I promise. I just need sometime."-he said to me...yesterday...no last month...no..last year...I am not sure...
All i know is, he will come back, and I am waiting for him..And I will wait for him...I can see seasons passing by...from my window....

Sometimes its chilly, and I can see smoky fog accumulating on my window sill...
sometimes it rains, and I can see Rain droplets cleaning my window..Ah...the rain..."Its you nas, it has always been you." his loving words echoed my ears and juz like that rain outside, few droplets came out of my eyes and joined the rain on my window sill..
sometimes its bright outside, so bright that I can hardly open my eyes..it makes me wonder if HE is back...n Happiness has clouded my eye sight...

He is all I have, and he promised..so I have to wait, until eternity.....

Am I crazy?or is this Love??

Co-existence!

Today..i saw the most beautiful thing in the world..

I was driving by this plot..and it was unused..grass grown to ankle length..stray plants here and there..plants growing randomly..wild flowers blooming beautifully..their colours bright and shiny..butterflies sitting on.them..njoying the nectar..

Beautiful view..

Then i saw a cow..grazing there..few random birds flowing here and dere..sitting on cows body..on plants..stray dogs roaming around..

Beautiful view..

Then their were sparrows and pigeons..

But all these were contributing to the beauty of nature..

The most beautiful thing was their coexistence..so.cooperative...so natural..

Cant we learn from this..nature was meant to coexist..

Coexisting as indians...not as communities..

Cant we be like these animals..its a shame..but we need to learn from these beasts..

Somewhere along the development road..we forgot the basics.. :( :(

Thinking out loud!

While I am writing this..I am actually thinking out in writing. The only question on my mind now a days is how do I forget him? Do i leave him? Or do I let the fate decide my fate? Do I give up? Or do I keep clinging to everything? Do i look at things practically or do I juz follow my heart?

Its not like I havent fallen in love before..But it took me 6 yrs to completely..get over my first love..and that love was unrequited. This was a full fledged relationship for last 6 years..how much time will it take for me to get over this?? My whole life?? Will I be ever able to get over him? Or will a part of me always love him? And will that be fair to the next person? May be if he is in the same situation? Will it be fair to me then? Will I deserve it? What will happen to the relationship?

Its not like he is perfect..But he has been by my side through everything. We fought..den we made up..we cried and laughed..all at d same time..

How do I get over him..how do i forget him..how can I ever get over someone..who I loved, and hated..all at the same time..how can I get over someone..who is a part of me..a part of my existence..

How can I ever seperate a part of myself..how can I ever be anything without him...

Is a river anything without water?? Or a body without a heart??

How can I ever be...without him??

How???

How do you forget someone..who has been a part of you for so long..dat you have even forgotten how it started..
How do you forget someone..who has been with you in your ups and downs..
How do you forget someone..who is evrything you ever wanted..
How do you forget someone, who was your only hope to have everything..dat u missed..
How do you forget someone..who is not only a part of life..your identity..but your name..
How do you get over yourself..
How do you forget your own name..
How do you forget your own being..

Can you really survive without it???

Dada!

I walked into the room..after a long time..i saw the emply bed..i saw where he used to sit..all the time..i saw his sheets..and the table where he used to keep his things..the room was so empty..everytime i walked through the room..i felt an emptiness..all around me..i could feel him..but he wasnt dere..i wanted him to call me..but i heard no such thing..

I knew I missed him..
I missed my Grandfather!

The Persplexion!

Yes..its true..that he loved her more than she could imagine..
Yes he cared..like she was never cared for before..
Yes he would make hèr laugh..
Yes he would such away all the tears from her eyes..
Yes he made her feel like the princess..she was..
And yes she loved him too..

But at the end of the day..her thoughts wandered..into bewilderness of her imagination..into her past..into...HIM.

You!

You...yes you..i thought, you were my solace..my ultimate fantasy..i thought you were what I needed..i thought you would make me feel..everything that I have missed for so long..i thought you are The One..i thought I was never going to love again..untill you came along..i thought you would complete me..

But then how come..you hurt me the most..how is it..that I feel the most distant from you..why is it..that no matter how much i try..I cant get you to understand me..

Perhaps..its because you meant a little more..than the whole world!

Independence!

Dreams..fantasies..love..just like these..independence is also a mirage..
We talk about empowerment..but all we have managed to do so far, is westernize..
We talk about freedom..but all we have done is chained ourselves with invisible bonds of religion and culture.
We talk about eradicating poverty..but all we have done is..maximise the gap between rich and poor.
We talk about gender equality..but somehow we have managed to witness more rapes and domestic abuse than ever ..
So juz like fantasies..our independence is still a mirage..and untill we look closer, we will never be able to solve the hidden core issues!

To the mirage!
Cheers!

The Unrequited Love!

पतझड़ का मौसम आ चूका था। सावन का इंतज़ार सब ही कर रहे थे। मैं भी गरजते बरसते सावन के आने कि दुआ कर रही थी। यही तो था वो मौसम, जिसमें मैं उसके सब से ज़्यादा क़रीब होती हूँ। उसका न होना भी उसी कि याद दिलाता है।
वैसे तो मैं अपने आप को एक ऐसे समुन्दर में डूबता हुआ महसूस करती हूँ, जो शांत है। सिर्फ मुझे अपने अंदर समेटे जा रहा है। मेरा दिल डूबता जा रहा है। दिमाग़ लड़ता है, फड़फड़ाता है, किसी तरह उस शांत लहर से बाहर आने का रास्ता ढूंढता है। पर फिर थक हार के बैठ जाता है। और फिर आँखें रो देती हैं। अपनी बेबसी पे। अपनी लाचारी पे। अपनी टूटी छूटी और रूठी मोहब्बत पे।
फिर सोचती हूँ, सावन की बूंदे जब मेरी आँखों से गिरती हैं, तो शायद उसके दिल को भी लगती होंगी। शायद उसे भी मेरी याद आती होगी, शायद वो भी मेरे लिए तड़पता होगा। यही सोच, हर सावन, बादल का साथ देती हूँ।
मोहब्बत है, उससे, कैसे बताऊँ उसे? शायद मेरे आंसू उसे मेरे इश्क़ का एहसास दिल दें।

Heart wreck vs Brain wreck!

"Juz do it Nas..juz do it".."its not a big deal..its a risk you have to take..it will give you answers to all your questions..it will help your heart heal..it will remove that big question mark in your head..and untill you answer that question..you are going to suffer..you will never find true happiness.."

My heart had all the answers..my heart knew what I had to do..it knew..that the only way to end this..is to start it..
But my brains sung another song..

"No Nas you cant do it..what will everyone think about you..what will he think about you..and more importantly..will you be able to forgive urself..will you survive this wreck..what if he doesnt reciprocate..what if he laughs at you..what if....."

This confusion..this level of persplexion..how will I survive this?? What the F*** am I supposed to do..what the hell am I doing..do i need another complication..or will this make it easier..what will happen, if this raises more questions..what will happen..if you get stuck...deeper..this way..at least there is a hope for survival..

You may survive the heart wreck..but will you be able to survive the wreckage of your brain..will you be able to pick up those pieces????

The Death News!

Cancer...it is to date one of the most dangerous, heartbreaking and scary diseases.
You dont find out..that you have a disease..you directly find out that you have a limited time left. You find out that..you are about to leave..everything and everyone you love..
A sinking feeling, of emptiness empowers you. You feel like you are going down and down in to the cold dark ocean..nothing and no one can help you.
You feel a really paining and uncmfrtable silence.
And then, when you get out of your own pain..you see your loved ones.
You see them hurting..trying to give you hope..trying to find something to hold on to..and thats what hurts the most..
To see them hurting!
I hope no one gets to feel this. I hope we can eradicate cancer..once amd for all!

InshaAllah

The Unanswered Question!

Her life had been one heck of a ride. She knew that she was made for this. The tough ride..yeah..dat's what she was made for. She had to struggle, to get things her way..she always had to take the long route to the destination..
and she loved it..
she loved it when it came to her career..
she loved it when it was about her family..
she loved it when it was about her whole life..

But there was one thing..that bothered her..
it was that one unanswered question.
The one question which has been lingering around forever.
The one question, whose answer she could not find.
The one answer that she wanted, desperately.
The one answer that could give her the closure she needed.
The one answer, that could set her free..
The one question, " Was she right or not??"

It has to be answered.
Now!