Friday, December 30, 2016

Goodbye 2016-RIP

Well!
Its time to say goodbye to "2016" and many have paid their respects..I thought I should too..

This I year I lost..my grandfather..I lost my cousin brother..I lost a friend..This year..my engagement fell through..this year I got frustrated so damn much..that I even forgot the most important day of life..

This year has given to me..nothing but experiences..each one of them..adding to my eagerness..for this to end..

This year gave me..fear..anger..jealousy..frustration..

But also gave me perspective..I now know..for sure what I want..I know, what really  matters..I know how to deal with things..

No matter what hardships I went through..I emerged a better person..a stronger person..

All in all I wish to say thanks to this year..may it rest in peace.. ;-)

XoXo
Nashee

Sunday, December 25, 2016

The Unrequited Love -2.0


Hum ek baar jeete hain, ek baar marte hain, shadi bhi ek hi baar hoti hai..aur pyar.......pyar bhi ek hi baar hota hai..

That one time love, stays forever..etched in you heart..

it has..in mine..

it is like a carving on stone, it cant be rubbed off..it just cant..I have tried, like million of times..it hides, for sometym, and then comes crawling back into my life..

They say LoVe HuRts..mine duznt..it helps me breathe..it helps me forget everything..all the pain..all the sorrow in the world..

its like a fresh breeze of an autumn morning..
Like a cozy blanket in a winter evening.
Like a cold shower in summer noon..
Like a rain..in drought..

Its Love...and I want to thank my love..for this gift..that he duznt even know, he has given me..

Yes..that is the beauty of unrequited love..its there..no body knows...except you...its a SECRET..juz yours to keep..

So keep breathing. And keep Loving..not evryone has this blessing!

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

The Friend


Walking down the road, she realised what she has done. How could she let it happen? How could she let him touch her? It was her fault. She shudnt have said yes to the movie. She said YES. She went with him to the movies. She had that coffee before the movie. And that is why it happened. That is why he did that to her. She shud hav said NO to the ride in his car. She shud have known better. But he was a friend. Do friends do that, what he did to her?
Crying her eyes out, the 17 year old girl, reached a medical store and bought rat killer!
XoXo
Nashee

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

For The Society


"Hey! I Love You. And I wanna marry you"
Her world was filled with light..she wanted to hear these words. She felt the truest of happiness. Her mind started wandering..
" i will wear a traditional lehenga, u know the one with kiran bordered dupatta"- she told her friends
" I will get gharara from that boutique, make-up from here and jwellery from there"
From decorations to menu to venue...she planned everything..the planning that otherwise takes months..she did it in moments..that excited she was.. she could not stop smiling.
She was going to marry the love of her life..

10 Years Later-
" Jaan I will marry you, I promise..I Love You so much. Thanks for waiting for me, what would I do without you"

She fought the society, fought her family and most of her fought with herself, She wanted a traditional life and that included a wedding. She has been waiting.
" Its worth it, she told herself."

Wedding Day-
" Congrats honey, finally your day is here"
Her friends were excited, family was happy and society...well the society was dancing, just like at any other wedding.

But her world was quite...she coudnt hear the music on the DJ. She couldnt hear the laughter..She couldnt feel her traditional lehenga..she coudnt enjoy the decorations.

She was getting married- for the society.

The wait was enough!

XoXo
Nashee

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Beautiful soul!

Every time I look at you..I see some one beautiful..someone with a beautiful soul..someone who I can admire and love at the same time..someone who i want to see all the time..someone with whom I can sit for hours..and not talk..n still be happy an fulfilled..someone with whom I can appreciate the silence..someone who has touched my soul..someone who has brought me closer to my Lord..someone who I am certain..will be cherished by me..no matter what fate writes in for me..everytime..every single time..I look at you..I just want to look at you..and thats it!!
XoXo
Nashee

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Thankful

Last night I woke up at a voice..in the middle of the night..lying in my cozy bed, I heard it say..
" why are you still asleep? Dont you have to study??"
I said-" no..who cares about studies, when my life is so messed up? I am overweight, my parents are away from me, i hate my room, i dnt hav any real frenz, all my frenz hav achieved so much in life and i am struggling to appear in a bloody exam, is that life?? Is that how it is supposed to be??

The voice said," are you in syria where children and parents are watchng each oder take their last breath??
Are you aware of the conditions that gazans are living in?
Are you aware how many dreams have been crushed?
Did you see the pain in the child's eye, when he saw other children go to school? Did you see that old man on the road, who is suffring frm hypothermia and hasnt had a bite to eat since 3 days?
Did you see that woman, who was raped, and left on the street to die?
Did you see that man, who works his ass off to get a piece of bread at the end of the day?

And most of all, do you see them complaining?? They are all still thanking their God for what they have! The woman is thanking Allah that she is still breathing!
That kid is hoping to be a lawyer some day!
That man is smiling that he has clothes to wear! "

My hands went numb, legs cudnt move and i woke up.. tears falling down my eyes..i was asleep on my bed..I could hear the sound of the room heater..i could feel the warmth of my blanket..

And it took me fraction of seconds to get up...climb out of my bed and stand in front of Allah, thanking for all that he has given me..without asking, without expectng anythng in return..

I was lucky..I am lucky!

Alhamdulillah!

XoXo
Nashee

Monday, December 5, 2016

Ki Hum Haun Adhure!

Kabhi to aao..ki hum hain adhure..
Yu hi muskurao..ki hum hain adhure..

Sambhal k chalna to dastur hai..
Zara ladhkhadao..ki hum hain adhure..

Behekti nigahen..tarasti hain baahein..
Gale se lagao..ki hum hain adhure..

Aadat ho jaye, tere awaaz ki...
Aise bulao..ki hum hain adhure..

Ki hum hain adhure..
Kabhi to aao..ki hum hain adhure..

XoXo
Nashee

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Rise in Love!


You love someone,you open yourself up for SUFFERING..
May you will break their heart..may be they will break yours..
Or may be..the fate will take you to distances..

May be you will never be able to look at yourself the same way..

They are like wings..they have weight..you can feel the burden..
But this burden lifts us up..Burden that allows us to fly..

"Let's not fall..but rise in love!"

XoXo
Nashee!

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Happy "Need You Mama" Day!

"Mummy! I need food"
"Mummy! I need to bathe"
"Mummy! I need to do my homework"
"Mummy! I need money for canteen"
"Mummy! I need dress for graduation"
"Mummy! I need to buy something special with my first salary..kya lu??"
"Mummy! I need to buy clothes for my friend's wedding..kya lu"
"Mummy! I need to do something special for my husband..kya karu??"
"Mummy! My kid is not well..kya kru?"

"Mummy..this...mummy..that"

No matter how old we grow..we will be kids who need their moms at every stage of life..

Celeberate the child in you!
Happy Children's Day!

XoXo
Nashee!

Saturday, November 12, 2016

The Mind's Calling!

As I lay in my bed..with sun rays teasing me through the window..I close my eyes..And just like a reflex action..you pop into my brains..And I could see your smile..your beautiful eyes..and you smile at me..calling me to you..and I wish I could run...run all the way..into your arms..And as I struggle in my conscience..to touch you...I realise that you are not here..and then I realise..its my Mind's calling..and for the first time..my whole body is unision..And i know..That I Want You..no matter what..

So, now just like any another manager..strategy formulation starts...

XoXo
Nashee

Friday, November 11, 2016

One Step Closer

That night we just laid there..immersed in our thoughts..every ounce of our blood repeating just one thing.."we were one step closer"

Looking into each others eyes..we didn't even realize when the sun came up..

It was time to leave the graveyard...She looked back, while she walked away.."one step closer"..and she smiled..

XoXo
Nashee

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Theory of Relativity!

The words "sad" and "happy" are overrated. Nothing in this world is "absolute". Everything is "relative".

Same things that made you happy, can cause your eyes to tear up. And the things that made you sad once, can make you laugh like crazy.

Its all about, situations..
When the world rotates.. and the day changes to night, the relativity of things change. And with the blink of an eye.."happy" changes to "sad".

XoXo
Nashee!

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

"Its better to have loved and lost..than to never have loved at all"

Why does love happen?? Always for a reason..Sometimes, its the closeness that you enjoy..sometimes its the other person's company...sometimes..its all about how they make you feel..Sometimes..you just are attracted..sometimes..their looks...
But there is always one time..when its without a reason..they may not be that c;lose to you..you might not really enjoy their their company..they might make you feel bad..at times too...and they might not look like Salman Khan..
but you love them...just for who they are..no strings attached..no expectations..no returns...no gain..no loss...just a feeling..
a feeling that stays..no matter how much you try to push it to the back of your mind..it stays...in the subconscious...
You might not even remember why you love them..you just do..all you know is your heart flutters when you see them..and your lips turn into a big smile...when you think about them...and talking about them..makes you feel on the top of the world..
you tell their story to the world..keeping them anonymous...coz you are afraid of letting that feeling go...
Have you felt it??I have..its amazing..
if you havent..open your heart to this possibility...
"Its better to have loved and lost..than to never have loved at all"

XoXo
Nashee!

Sunday, October 16, 2016

The Lost Pride.

"Pride"...
Its the one thing that girls are most proud of..They need to KNOW, that they have the best in the world.
The Best shoes...
The Best dress...
The Best Jwellery..
The Best Friend...
And...
The Best Boyfriend/ Husband..

I had that pride once.. I had the best of everything..and flaunted everything with the confidence that could be only seen in a newly wed bride.

But..I managed to ruin everything..in just one go...i lost everything..My best friend..my love..my pride..

May be i deserved it..may be I didnt..

All I know is..I have lost my PRIDE forever!

XoXo
Nashee

Saturday, October 15, 2016

The perfect goodbye!

Dear dairy
It was a beautiful day today. Today i realised how far i came from that fustrating life. I saw him today..
he looked handsome as always. I know u will say i am supposed to forget him and believe after today.. i am done. I got my perfect closure.
I still remember the day when he promised me that he will call me everyday. Its been months and today when i saw him.. i felt nothing. Not even hate...
infact diary I pity him... u should have seen the look on his face... he was ashamed... and i did something i thaught i wont be able to do...
i extended my hands for a handshake..  and when he took them he was embarassed. Before he could say anything i turned away. Its was a perfect goodbye diary. Perfect

XoXo
Ash

Friday, October 14, 2016

Causing Self- Destruction

In all my life, and all my dumb crushes and infactuations and even serious love..you were the one I fell in love with again and again.

And everytym..it was deeper and deeper.. i should have known that it was dangerous grounds..i should have been prepared..

There was a red signal, the day you kissed me exactly like I wanted to be kissed...
and another one, the day you saved me from those creeps..
and another one, the day you held my hand and promised that my dreams were gonna come true.
And another one, the day you juz held me in your arms..

There are so many..so many moments, that I should have noticed. I should have backed down...but I let my guard down..and you kept on penetrating my heart..untill.....

Untill....you destroyed me!

XoXo
Nashee!

Try Try Until You Succeed!

Career is one of the most important thing of our life...
how does it feel to sit in a corner crying on our failed career?
To curse god for making life misrable? 
To listen all kinds of crap from family and friends? 

Here is what i learnt from a very well known faliure...

when you fail... cry!... cry for a week.. a month...a year...
but...when you are done...get up...find out what made you loose...

when someone reminds you of your failure... 

listen... 
understand.. 
evolve... 
rise the "beast" in you..
quench your thirst for revenge of this humilation. 
Be patient... 
talk to god.. 
fight with him...
cry... 
but believe he is listening.. 
u aint just talking to yourself in an empty room... he is up there somewhere listening your everyword.. 
dont let set backs calm your beast down... 
do not let a tear fall when someone makes you feel weak.. tear makes you feel light... 

then one day when you get exactly what you want... calm your beast down... and smile cheerfully to all those people who once humilated you... 

your  smile is your revenge. 

And if you haven't got what you wanted... believe this... 


"after night... day certainly comes"


You will WIN.


XoXo

Ash

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

What is Love

She asked, "what is love?"
"Its a feeling" He said.
It was a common answer...huh!
Her friends wondered why her dates dont last for more than a week..and she did'nt knew how to answer. She had this weird thing about "His" notion of Love.

And once again..on a regular day...with regular cup of coffee..regular work... cursing job and life..  but....

.....A NEW Date..handsome... cute.. good looking..comfort ...connection...and two monthsof dating..her longest ever...and then one day....it took all her strength to ask him... "what is love?"...he looked at her with a "what is this stupid question" look... but then he did something... something that made her realise this is it.. its here she stops... he hugged her and whispered "This fear that you had while asking this question..that is Love"

Everything Z Magic!
XoXo
Ash

And that Feels Like Life!

She got up at the sound of breeze outside. Cold, freezing wind...she felt it on her face. It seemed to caress her hair, like never before. She stared into the darkness, tempting and at the same time scary. She felt the darkness embedding inside, reminding her of all the dark phases of her life!
Yes it happened in a moment, she saw her whole life flash behind her eyes.
And then, almost when the darkness was about to take the grip of her whole heart, sun started to rise. There was a hope..there was light. And she could see, sunlight on the mountain top. The snow shined like diamond..gorgeous. slowly and slowly sun rose and enlightened the whole world. Her heart too..she felt hope and light forming a hard grip on her heart. And then she could see everything clearly.
Manali really feels like life. Anything and everything that happens here, is like life.
XoXo
Nashee

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

A woman!

I am a woman. And I dont have any one personality. I have a rich personality, full of so many facets, that it only takes another rich personality to understand me.
I am happy and another moment I may be sad.
I may be talking cheerfully with you and the next moment I may hate you.
I may be fiercely independent, but I may be extremely emotional at times.
I may be looking forward to a fruitful career, and I may be craving for a love-borne child
I may want to party and at the same time I may want to have a cup of coffee alone.

These things dont make me confusing or wierd. They make me special.
There are many like me.
And it only takes people like me to understand me.

XoXo
Nashee

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Milne ki dua krna!

Chalte hain khuda hafiz..bas itni guzarish hai..
Jab yaad meri aaye to milne ki dua krna.

Mausam jo badle..barkha jo chaaye...jo raat apna aanchal phailaye..
Jab shamma jalana..to milne ki dua krna..

Zara bacha k rakhna is daaman ko duniya ki tadbeero se..
Jo kabhi dil tmhara dagmagaye..To milne ki dua krna..

Wahi hum honge..wahi tum hoge..wahi ranjishen..wahi kahkahe..
Jo maazi ki yaad sataaye..to milne ki dua krna..

Maana ki dekhe hain ahmad ne..sab hi paimaano k asraat..
Jo kabhi naino ki talab ho..milne ki dua krna..

Saturday, September 24, 2016

The Unrequited Love!

There are so many words I cannot say,
when I look into your eyes.
I want to be able to tell you one day,
but I'm left speechless every time that I try.
You must have stumbled across the key,
and discovered so much more.
You found a hidden place in me,
you found my heart and opened the door.
And I cried in pain
of losing my dear friend.
Will it ever be the same again?
If it passes will it be the end?
I realized it was worth so much,
as I lie in bed that night.
So I allowed my soul to be touched,
without even putting up a fight.
Are my eyes deceiving me,
when I see you standing there?
Are you playing games,
just to prove I care?
You speak my name in a prelude,
in a reference to love,
with such loving attitude,
as if it were a message from above.
With the palms of your hands
pressed firmly against mine,
a white doves lands,
and the sun begins to shine.
Someday I will see,
though that day has not come yet.
You'll say you love me,
but will you ever forget?
If that happens and my spirit dies,
if my emotions drop,
will you want to hold me when I cry?
Or will the love just suddenly stop?
We can't expect to fall in love and never cry.
You'll stay and play your part,
but after the beauty starts to die,
will your footprints still be on my heart?
Though it would be hard to say goodbye,
your friend I'll always be,
as long as we always try,
to keep the friendship between you and me.
The letter I will not send
will casually inquire,
how could you have brought it to an end?
I was your one desire.
After this life is over,
you'll be one person I know I'll miss.
It'll be too late to start over, and so I leave you with this...
I'll hold you for a lifetime,
if you'll just hold my hand.
We could have a wonderful time,
in the days we have not yet planned.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Down the memory Lane!

"down the memory lane"
Heres another visit down the memory palace..hope u njoy it ;)

"why havnt u written anything on.that birthday present u got me"- she asked him.. He laughed..and said..didnt knw wat to write..

1 year later..
"Hey, u remember the first gift u gave me? That novel- a walk to remember..i lost it..its my fav novel..i am going to buy another piece.."

Another 1 yr down d road..
"happy birthday sweety..open.the gift i sent with your sister.."

She opened it...and there it was..a white shiny book...beautiful..she was speechless..happiness was all around her..he rememberd..it was her fav novel..a walk.to remember..

"open.the book..on the secnd page"

were the words she longed to hear..it was written..

She no longer needed to.hear anything..she knew he was hers :) :)

Few more years down the lane..

"I am sorry love. I cant be with you anymore. But that doesnt mean, I dont want to.. I just have many more priorities right now.. and you are not one of them" He said.
Shattering every last piece of hope she had. Destroying her life forever. And ruining her for anyone who comes next in her life.

She knew, she will never love again!

The Never-ending cycle!

Sometimes life gets so hard that it becomes unbearable..
you cant seem to enjoy even the best things that come into your life..
you cant smile..
you cant cry..
You dont have any control over your life..
you seem to destry anything you touch..
and you seem to loose it anytime and all the time..
you cant breathe..
You cant do anything..
All you could think, is a way to get away from everything and everyone..
possibly your life..may be start fresh somewhere remote..
And then you realise even that cant be materialised..

Thats when it happens..
thats when you feel life less..
and then you think..
well you are already lifeless..
wats the worse that can happen now..
and then something even more worse happens..

And the cycle repeats..

Sunday, September 18, 2016

A wise investment!

Life is like an investment. You invest in everything you come across..your school, your college, your lover, your friends, your job..
And as you go along..you keep investing a little bit of yourself..some investment, like any financial investment,get you gains and increase your worth, and some lead to losses..
These returns may be high or low..positiv or negativ..

Sometimes it so happens, that you invest a lot of yourself..coz you trust the recipient..but it leads to big losses..you receive a big betrayal..and juz sometimes..it may have lost you everything..

But just like any other business..losses dont stop you from living..and they shouldnt..but you should learn lessons..and make a wiser investment..

And the only way to do that, is to change your ways..if you are a vegetarian..eat chicken..if you are emotional..try hiding those feelings..if you are cautious..try living on the edge..

Coz wat v r..influences our decisions..and hence our investment..

But no matter what you do..dont let your feelings show..keep suppresing them..load them with new feelings..good or bad..juz keep loading..untill the severe losses start to seem small..

And they will....eventually..

XoXo
Nashee!

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Desire to fly!

I opened my almirah, looking for an old diary..
nothing on my mind,except that, i was looking for the diary..
the first thing flashing before my eyes, was and old, dull, carton of crayons..
and then...

it all came rushing back..the memories of my childhood..

Soon after, i was sitting on a chair, going through the almirah..
drawing books..colours all out of line :-p
pencils..all kinds...seems like i collected the variety of them..including the "shaka laka boom boom" version :-p
an old letter..from a childhood sweetheart.. :)
and a little airplane..my father gifted me..seeing which i decided to fly...to search for my wings..to reach a height from where everything will be so little  .. :)

and then i looked up...on my wall..where there was a frame..of my award..and i thought..have i reached their yet??

then, i found myself wondering..will i ever reach there??
Two more years, and then i will have responsibilities..of family..of self...
when will i fly???how will i fly??

So less time..and so much to do...
i need to find my wings..i need to fly :) :)

A promise!


"I will come back, I promise. I just need sometime."-he said to me...yesterday...no last month...no..last year...I am not sure...
All i know is, he will come back, and I am waiting for him..And I will wait for him...I can see seasons passing by...from my window....

Sometimes its chilly, and I can see smoky fog accumulating on my window sill...
sometimes it rains, and I can see Rain droplets cleaning my window..Ah...the rain..."Its you nas, it has always been you." his loving words echoed my ears and juz like that rain outside, few droplets came out of my eyes and joined the rain on my window sill..
sometimes its bright outside, so bright that I can hardly open my eyes..it makes me wonder if HE is back...n Happiness has clouded my eye sight...

He is all I have, and he promised..so I have to wait, until eternity.....

Am I crazy?or is this Love??

Monday, September 12, 2016

Co-existence!

Today..i saw the most beautiful thing in the world..

I was driving by this plot..and it was unused..grass grown to ankle length..stray plants here and there..plants growing randomly..wild flowers blooming beautifully..their colours bright and shiny..butterflies sitting on.them..njoying the nectar..

Beautiful view..

Then i saw a cow..grazing there..few random birds flowing here and dere..sitting on cows body..on plants..stray dogs roaming around..

Beautiful view..

Then their were sparrows and pigeons..

But all these were contributing to the beauty of nature..

The most beautiful thing was their coexistence..so.cooperative...so natural..

Cant we learn from this..nature was meant to coexist..

Coexisting as indians...not as communities..

Cant we be like these animals..its a shame..but we need to learn from these beasts..

Somewhere along the development road..we forgot the basics.. :( :(

Friday, September 9, 2016

Thinking out loud!

While I am writing this..I am actually thinking out in writing. The only question on my mind now a days is how do I forget him? Do i leave him? Or do I let the fate decide my fate? Do I give up? Or do I keep clinging to everything? Do i look at things practically or do I juz follow my heart?

Its not like I havent fallen in love before..But it took me 6 yrs to completely..get over my first love..and that love was unrequited. This was a full fledged relationship for last 6 years..how much time will it take for me to get over this?? My whole life?? Will I be ever able to get over him? Or will a part of me always love him? And will that be fair to the next person? May be if he is in the same situation? Will it be fair to me then? Will I deserve it? What will happen to the relationship?

Its not like he is perfect..But he has been by my side through everything. We fought..den we made up..we cried and laughed..all at d same time..

How do I get over him..how do i forget him..how can I ever get over someone..who I loved, and hated..all at the same time..how can I get over someone..who is a part of me..a part of my existence..

How can I ever seperate a part of myself..how can I ever be anything without him...

Is a river anything without water?? Or a body without a heart??

How can I ever be...without him??

Saturday, September 3, 2016

How???

How do you forget someone..who has been a part of you for so long..dat you have even forgotten how it started..
How do you forget someone..who has been with you in your ups and downs..
How do you forget someone..who is evrything you ever wanted..
How do you forget someone, who was your only hope to have everything..dat u missed..
How do you forget someone..who is not only a part of life..your identity..but your name..
How do you get over yourself..
How do you forget your own name..
How do you forget your own being..

Can you really survive without it???

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Dada!

I walked into the room..after a long time..i saw the emply bed..i saw where he used to sit..all the time..i saw his sheets..and the table where he used to keep his things..the room was so empty..everytime i walked through the room..i felt an emptiness..all around me..i could feel him..but he wasnt dere..i wanted him to call me..but i heard no such thing..

I knew I missed him..
I missed my Grandfather!

Monday, August 15, 2016

The Persplexion!

Yes..its true..that he loved her more than she could imagine..
Yes he cared..like she was never cared for before..
Yes he would make hèr laugh..
Yes he would such away all the tears from her eyes..
Yes he made her feel like the princess..she was..
And yes she loved him too..

But at the end of the day..her thoughts wandered..into bewilderness of her imagination..into her past..into...HIM.

You!

You...yes you..i thought, you were my solace..my ultimate fantasy..i thought you were what I needed..i thought you would make me feel..everything that I have missed for so long..i thought you are The One..i thought I was never going to love again..untill you came along..i thought you would complete me..

But then how come..you hurt me the most..how is it..that I feel the most distant from you..why is it..that no matter how much i try..I cant get you to understand me..

Perhaps..its because you meant a little more..than the whole world!

Independence!


Dreams..fantasies..love..just like these..independence is also a mirage..
We talk about empowerment..but all we have managed to do so far, is westernize..
We talk about freedom..but all we have done is chained ourselves with invisible bonds of religion and culture.
We talk about eradicating poverty..but all we have done is..maximise the gap between rich and poor.
We talk about gender equality..but somehow we have managed to witness more rapes and domestic abuse than ever ..
So juz like fantasies..our independence is still a mirage..and untill we look closer, we will never be able to solve the hidden core issues!
To the mirage!
Cheers!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

The Unrequited Love!

पतझड़ का मौसम आ चूका था। सावन का इंतज़ार सब ही कर रहे थे। मैं भी गरजते बरसते सावन के आने कि दुआ कर रही थी। यही तो था वो मौसम, जिसमें मैं उसके सब से ज़्यादा क़रीब होती हूँ। उसका न होना भी उसी कि याद दिलाता है।
वैसे तो मैं अपने आप को एक ऐसे समुन्दर में डूबता हुआ महसूस करती हूँ, जो शांत है। सिर्फ मुझे अपने अंदर समेटे जा रहा है। मेरा दिल डूबता जा रहा है। दिमाग़ लड़ता है, फड़फड़ाता है, किसी तरह उस शांत लहर से बाहर आने का रास्ता ढूंढता है। पर फिर थक हार के बैठ जाता है। और फिर आँखें रो देती हैं। अपनी बेबसी पे। अपनी लाचारी पे। अपनी टूटी छूटी और रूठी मोहब्बत पे।
फिर सोचती हूँ, सावन की बूंदे जब मेरी आँखों से गिरती हैं, तो शायद उसके दिल को भी लगती होंगी। शायद उसे भी मेरी याद आती होगी, शायद वो भी मेरे लिए तड़पता होगा। यही सोच, हर सावन, बादल का साथ देती हूँ।
मोहब्बत है, उससे, कैसे बताऊँ उसे? शायद मेरे आंसू उसे मेरे इश्क़ का एहसास दिल दें।

Monday, May 16, 2016

Heart wreck vs Brain wreck!

"Juz do it Nas..juz do it".."its not a big deal..its a risk you have to take..it will give you answers to all your questions..it will help your heart heal..it will remove that big question mark in your head..and untill you answer that question..you are going to suffer..you will never find true happiness.."

My heart had all the answers..my heart knew what I had to do..it knew..that the only way to end this..is to start it..
But my brains sung another song..

"No Nas you cant do it..what will everyone think about you..what will he think about you..and more importantly..will you be able to forgive urself..will you survive this wreck..what if he doesnt reciprocate..what if he laughs at you..what if....."

This confusion..this level of persplexion..how will I survive this?? What the F*** am I supposed to do..what the hell am I doing..do i need another complication..or will this make it easier..what will happen, if this raises more questions..what will happen..if you get stuck...deeper..this way..at least there is a hope for survival..

You may survive the heart wreck..but will you be able to survive the wreckage of your brain..will you be able to pick up those pieces????

Saturday, May 14, 2016

The Death News!

Cancer...it is to date one of the most dangerous, heartbreaking and scary diseases.
You dont find out..that you have a disease..you directly find out that you have a limited time left. You find out that..you are about to leave..everything and everyone you love..
A sinking feeling, of emptiness empowers you. You feel like you are going down and down in to the cold dark ocean..nothing and no one can help you.
You feel a really paining and uncmfrtable silence.
And then, when you get out of your own pain..you see your loved ones.
You see them hurting..trying to give you hope..trying to find something to hold on to..and thats what hurts the most..
To see them hurting!
I hope no one gets to feel this. I hope we can eradicate cancer..once amd for all!

InshaAllah

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

The Unanswered Question!

Her life had been one heck of a ride. She knew that she was made for this. The tough ride..yeah..dat's what she was made for. She had to struggle, to get things her way..she always had to take the long route to the destination..
and she loved it..
she loved it when it came to her career..
she loved it when it was about her family..
she loved it when it was about her whole life..

But there was one thing..that bothered her..
it was that one unanswered question.
The one question which has been lingering around forever.
The one question, whose answer she could not find.
The one answer that she wanted, desperately.
The one answer that could give her the closure she needed.
The one answer, that could set her free..
The one question, " Was she right or not??"

It has to be answered.
Now!

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

The Earthen Pot!

Relationships are like an earthen pot. You keep on filling them with trust, love, friendship, care and moments..and fights..of course :)Every fight creates a hole in the pot, that we try to fill with special gestures and apologies. It fills and we move on..We get past the "pot holes" and continue making memories..until the next "pot hole".And then one day, we have a fight, which is rather insignificatnt, but creates a hole that just cant be filled..the water keeps flowing out of that pot hole..untill everything you took so many years to built, just vanishes..That is the hole, that only time can fill..no speacial gestures..no amount of apologies can fill it..:)
#feelingPhilosophical

Monday, April 25, 2016

Missed Him!

I looked around..smiling faces..shining eyes..beautiful chatters and laughters..world was full of happiness..people held hands of their soulmates..some.were dancing..their eyes lockd into each oders. Smiling..talkng wid dere eyes..their hearts were full of love, passion.for each other..at the far end corner of the hall..i saw a child holding his mothers hand..smiling..njoying an.icecream cone..suddenly i felt a warm breath over my neck..i turned..and saw him..he smiled warmly..his smile brightened up my day..den he held my hands and askd me to dance wid him.."my pleasure"..i said with the confidence of a newly wed bride..i knew he cant liv widt me..i knew..he loves me more dan anythng in d world..we started dancing..he leaded me in a way..no one could..i gave in..to him..he is d only one wid dat kind of power over me..suddenly..light went off..and a loud sound was heard..like a bomb going off..chaos all around..people.were running..we startd running too..he held.my hands..tightly..and den a flock of people came between us..n we got seperatd..i lukd back..searchd for him..i cudnt find him..
At that point..i realised i was on my bed..and i realised d emptiness around me..tears drippng from my eyes..my heart realised dat it had nothing to beat for..he was gone..forevr..
i missd him.. frown emoticon

I have all you have..and so much more!

When I was born, my mom took me into her arms, and lukd at me lovingly, protecting me from this cruel corrupted world........juz lyk urs did!
When I held my dads finger and took my first step, he had an ecstatic feeling.......juxyk urs did!
When I went to school, for the first time, my mom made me an excellent lunch..and told me that everythings gonna be alryte, wen i cried........juz lyk urs did!
When she sent me off to college..my mom was crying rivers inside..and my dad sent me off with a heavy heart........juz lyk urs did!
Now I am a professional..working in a reputed company..grabbing a handsome salary...........juz lyk u do!
When I went to school, for the first time, my mom made me an excellent lunch..and told me that everythings gonna be alryte, wen i cried........juz lyk urs did!When she sent me off to college..my mom was crying rivers inside..and my dad sent me off with a heavy heart........juz lyk urs did!Now I am a professional..working in a reputed company..grabbing a handsome salary...........juz lyk u do!
Why am I only supposed to stay inside the doors and do the household chores while you are out there..fulfilling your dreams???
Why cant I work late nyte shifts???
Why are the streets not safe for me???
Why am I the only one supposed to take care of kids, when you are equally responsible for bringing them to this world??
Why is it ok for you to hav female friends, but when I have male friends , it becomes a crime???


I have all you have..and so much more!
Then why the hell should I pay you to marry me???
Why???????

I just know.

I know.
I know that we were what we were.
I know that what happened, was perhaps supposed to happen.
I know that what you did, u did witout thinking.
I know that what I did, I did out of spite.
I know that I always loved you.
I know that i will always love you.
I know that things are not working out as they were supposed to.
I know that life is going haywire.
But I know, that at the end, we all get what we need.. perhaps not what we want..but definitely what we need.
I know.
I just know.

Roses & Thorns!

Untill now, she was protected. But as the spring season approached, she was exposed to the world. The world of cruelty and destruction. She looked around..she could see nothing that looked like her..she looked up..she could see the beautiful sky..stretched across the horizon..it was like a shield of blueness..so big..so bright..she felt good..she saw the green of the world..the grass..the shrubs..the trees..the herbs..she felt scared..she knew that she was a lot more beautiful than all dis..and so she was more succeptible to this cruel world..
What she didnt knew, was that..there was a shield around her..her own thorns..her own roots..her own origin..she was " The ROSE"
Often we forget, that we are the protectors of ourselves..if somebody hurts us..its our fault..y make urself vulnerable..so ladies and gentlemen..life is not fair..dnt depend on others to save u..be ur own protectors..be ur own saviours!

Giving In!

All our lives, we have been motivated to be on top.
To get the highest marks in class.
To look most beautiful at your farewell party.
To become engineers or doctors.
To graduate from the best institute.
To excel in college.
To get the most paying job.
But at this stage, when I am myself looking for job and trying to make a name for myself..it makes me revisit these advices.
Do i want to be the most paid candidate among my friends?
Or more importantly, do I need that??
Is it important to land a job that I love, but will pay me less. May be make me happy and satisfied. But perhaps it will stop me from growing.
OR
should I grab something that will pay me bug bucks but will perhaps make me miserable? But then perhaps it will help me challenge my shortcomings and help me grow.
Perplexed.. I turn to my diary..and pour my heart out.
And still I have no clarity, and so I decide to give in to the quandaries.
Will take it as it comes!

#MyChoice

What the hell is wrong with the world? yes! it is your choice to marry the person you like....yes it is your choice to have sex before or after marriage...yes it s your choice to wear miniskirt or abaya...agreed!
but what the hell is that its my choice to stay out late..to not pick calls...to not answer you..to have extra marital sex...if its your choice to have casual sex...den dont marry..why the hell are you destroying the sanctity of marriage...
relationships...culture...morals...values...do dey not matter anymore??
there are some rules for everything....there has to be..if not..world is going to be in chaos...there is a reason "law" exists...
Stop F***** with sane people's minds...
respect culture...decency...sanctity of relationships...all this needs to be reminded to the world!

If only..

Had I known, that the last time I see you, would be the last, I would have looked at you, all day long.
Had I known that the last time I held your hand, would be the last time, I would have never let you go.
Had I known that, the last time I hugged you, would be the last time, I would have embraced the moment deeply.
If only I had known, that you would be taken away from me, I would have kept you with me..I would have hidden you in my heart.
If only I had known.....
If only..

A one Way road!

Just the other day, i had this dream.
I was in this gorgeous jeep. And i was driving down a long road. It was empty. No cars. No life. Nothing. And on both sides of the road was desert. Juz empty sand. Not even a sign of life. No houses. No buildings. No person. No animals. It was juz me, driving. Alone. I kept driving and driving. The road was uneven, a lot of hurdles. And for some reason, they kept popping up, when i reached near it.
I still kept driving, as if i was looking for something. For some unknown object, i kept driving, kept chasing..something i wasnt even aware of. I knew one thing, that watevr i was lukng for, was just around the corner. I just had to find the right corner. I felt positive, determined and excited to find that something.
I still kept driving, as if i was looking for something. For some unknown object, i kept driving, kept chasing..something i wasnt even aware of. I knew one thing, that watevr i was lukng for, was just around the corner. I just had to find the right corner. I felt positive, determined and excited to find that something.
A ONE WAY ROAD!


And then something made me look back. I turned my head, and i saw people, houses, trees and birds. There was life. People were happy. "All this wasnt dere earlier"- i thought. I felt lost, sad and disheartened.
I decided not to chase that unknown object anymore. I tried turning my jeep around, but i couldnt. IT WAS A ONE WAY ROAD. And no matter how much i tried, I cudnt turn it around. I felt, deprived. Deprived of happiness, deprived of luck, deprived of life. Tears came rolling down my face.
Den i realised I was in my bed. I thanked Allah for everything and decided not to go after unknown happiness and find happiness in what i have ryte here..ryte now.
Isnt dat what life is??
A one Way road!

Poem 2

Mai hu mausam, badalna hai fitral meri..
Mana ki abr ki chaon mein hai qismat meri..
Sooraj hu mai, aaj nahin to kal..
Arsh-o-farsh pe chamkegi roshni meri..
Mere afsaane ka anjaam abh baqi hai ahmad..
Abhi to aaghaz pe hai kahani meri.

Gloomy!

When the times are tough..and the mind is gloomy..
When the sun is bright, but the heart is dull..
When the pizza is available..and stomach is full..
When the night is dark..and so are your days..
Thats when you know, who your friends are..

Dear Future Me!

Hey!
Dear Future Me!
Remember an year back..when you were so confused..
Remember when you started avoiding the poisons in your life..
Remember how hard it was to let go of your memories..that were ruining your days and nights..
Remember how painfully satisfying it was to cry yourself to sleep at night..
Remember the difficult time...
Well it was nt for nothing..
Isnt your life awesome now..
I know that most probably you are still struggling..for fantasies to come true..
But its ok..coz in another one year..the pain will lessen more..
And you might start getting happy..
So juz chill..and keep it up!

kaash!

ज़िन्दगी की भाग दौड़ में..अक्सर हम खुद को कहीं पीछे छोड़ आते हैं।
अपनी ख्वाहिशो क पीछे भागते भागते हम अपने आप को ग़ायब कर लेते हैं। ना...दुनिया की नजरो से नहीं..खुद की नरज़ो से ओझल हो जाते हैं हम..
हम ये भूल जाते हैं..की ऊपर कोई है..सर्वशक्तिमान..जो हमारी कहानी लिख रहा है..फिर क्यों हम अंधाधुंध भागते जाते हैं..
क्यों किसी और को सजा देने क बहाने..हम खुद को ही सजा सुना देते हैं..ग़लतियो पे ग़लतिया करते जाते हैं..और फिर उन ग़लतियो को सुधरने न पाने की वजह से..अपने आप सेनफरत करने लगते हैं।
सफ़र कोई भी हो..ख़त्म होता है। मंज़िल मिलती ही है..चाहे जितना समय लग जाये। फिर हम क्यों बेसब्रो की तरह, उल्टा दौड़ते हैं।
काश क हम में इतना सब्र होता।काश क हम ऊपर वाले के निर्णय का इंतज़ार करते।
तब हमारी कहानी..बचपन वाली राजकुमारी जैसे होती।
काश।

"I Dont Love him"

"I Dont Love him"
"I Dont Love Him"
I told myself TRILLIONS of times..
On BILLION different occasions..
MILLIONS of times..
But no one believes me..niether does my heart..nor my brains..
कहते हैं किसी बात को हज़ार बार याद करो, तो उसपे विशवास होने लगता है।
अब जब खुद को विशवास नहीं दिला पा रही तो दूसरो को कैसे दिलाऊं?
ज़िन्दगी भी अजीब खेल खेल गयी।
Tell me o khuda..ab mai kya karu....

Special Someone!

In one of my past relationships, I found excitement and convenience..Things were easy, accessible and more importantly affable..
Then there was comfort and incredible connection..the kind of mental connection which you expect out of a soul mate...

It wasnt until him that i found content..and when I did, there was no excitement, neither the connection, nor the convenience..but the CONTENT was worth it..I felt secure, loved, cared, special. I felt like I was making a difference, in someones life..that I meant something, to someone...I felt happy!

And trust me girls, its worth it!
Today you might think, that u cant live without that one guy, who you feel mental connection with, but let me assure you, you can and you will...

Because you can’t just fall in love, you can rise.... with that special person....

I know I did!
And I never wanna Love again!!


#sPeciAlSomeOne

"Kuch to hai tujhse raabta"

"Kuch to hai tujhse raabta"
Kehte hain khuda ne is jahan mein sabhi k liye..kisi na kisi ko hai banaya har kisi k liye...
Are you the one for me??
Yes! I have loved you, for as long as I remember..
Yes! every moment with you is like icing on the sundae of life and sunday of the week..
Yes! every moment that i spend without you, is lifeless..
Yes! I may be smiling on the outside, but deep in my heart I am crying rivers..coz I want you, right beside me..
And Yes! the second half of the line above..feels like its for me..
"Tera milna hai us rab ka ishara maano, mujhko banaya tere jaise ki kisi kliye..
:)


In Love....Again!

It was a hot sunny day..monotonous boring everyday...
you came in like a fresh breeze of spring..
And I could feel my heart melting away..
And juz like that...........
I was in Love all over again!!


Is This Love?

"I will come back, I promise. I just need sometime."-he said to me...yesterday...no last month...no..last year...I am not sure...
All i know is, he will come back, and I am waiting for him..And I will wait for him...I can see seasons passing by...from my window....
Sometimes its chilly, and I can see smoky fog accumulating on my window sill...
sometimes it rains, and I can see Rain droplets cleaning my window..Ah...the rain..."Its you nas, it has always been you." his loving words echoed my ears and juz like that rain outside, few droplets came out of my eyes and joined the rain on my window sill..
sometimes its bright outside, so bright that I can hardly open my eyes..it makes me wonder if HE is back...n Happiness has clouded my eye sight...
He is all I have, and he promised..so I have to wait, until eternity.....
Am I crazy?or is this Love??


26th April!

“Julia, please cancel all my meetings for today.”I said into the phone speaker in my office.
“OK sir.”came the reply.
I am not well today. But being a senior member of my office I had to come to work. So here I was coughing and sneezing, in my office.i thought of ordering a coffee. But since I am new to the office I don’t remember all the extensions. So I open my desk to take out the list my boss had given me. And then suddenly, I saw a cell phone, a nokia 2600 model.. I took it out.
“Today is 26th april. “I said it aloud, to my amazement.
Its raining outside the glass walls of my office.
I LOVE RAIN.
I heard someone say this. I look back at nothing but the closed glass door of my chamber. And suddenly it all started coming back to me.
Love still wasn't dead!!


Reasons For Love!

Why does love happen?? Always for a reason..Sometimes, its the closeness that you enjoy..sometimes its the other person's company...sometimes..its all about how they make you feel..Sometimes..you just are attracted..sometimes..their looks...
But there is always one time..when its without a reason..they may not be that c;lose to you..you might not really enjoy their their company..they might make you feel bad..at times too...and they might not look like Salman Khan..
but you love them...just for who they are..no strings attached..no expectations..no returns...no gain..no loss...just a feeling..
a feeling that stays..no matter how much you try to push it to the back of your mind..it stays...in the subconscious...
You might not even remember why you love them..you just do..all you know is your heart flutters when you see them..and your lips turn into a big smile...when you think about them...and talking about them..makes you feel on the top of the world..
you tell their story to the world..keeping them anonymous...coz you are afraid of letting that feeling go...
Have you felt it??I have..its amazing..
if you havent..open your heart to this possibility...
"Its better to have loved and lost..than to never have loved at all"


Confessions of an angry heart!

You know what, as long as I remember,...I have cherished you..
I have protected you..
I have loved you..
I have prayed for you..for happiness..
You were a part of my prayers..
even when I asked Allah for my happiness, it went through you..
Even when you betrayed me first time, I convinced my heart, it wasn't you who did this..It was an innocent heart who just wandered into wilderness,,
I FORGAVE YOU.
When you did the same second time, I thought, its okay..its your innocent heart, you will know better soon..
I FORGAVE YOU.
Then it happened again...and again..and again...and everytime it happened it created a hole in my heart...with every passing betrayal, a part of me wanted you to suffer..i wanted you to feel what you made me feel...
LOST
LORN
ANGRY
HELPLESS
BETRAYED
But that has all changed now...
I dont care what you feel..I dont care if you suffer..I dont care if u feel helpless and lost..
I have stopped praying for you..my happiness doesnt involve you anymore..
That is my ULTIMATE revenge on you!!